When a high school friend died last month, I didn’t hesitate. I knew I needed to say goodbye at his funeral. The problem was I live in Minnesota and everything was happening 900 miles away in Colorado. And because of the tragic nature of the auto crash that took his life, his funeral was the last thing on his parent’s minds; they were focusing on their granddaughter and daughter who were in the hospital, victims of the same drunk driver. Thus, we heard about the memorial service on Thursday.
It was happening on Saturday.
We left Friday morning and returned on Sunday.
- Gabe asleep on the bus that took us to Mexico and back in 10th grade.
It was a short trip that we pulled together fast, but the three of us who traveled together agreed that it was meaningful and we’re glad we did it, despite it being pretty tough. Here’s what we learned:
• Don’t expect too much of yourself.
I haven’t traveled anywhere in the last decade without visiting at least one winery in the area. It’s kinda my thing. But when I flipped through the thick booklet on wineries in the Denver area, I couldn’t summon up any excitement. I just didn’t want to visit one. Relaxing and laughing over a bottle of wine wasn’t likely to happen, and I was pretty sure I’d avoid that wine for the rest of my life anyway as it would bring back sad memories of when my friend died. So, although my husband had encouraged me to “have some fun” on my trip, I skipped the winery this time around.
• Travel with others who are grieving, too.
The best part about the 4-day trip was traveling with two other women who had known Gabe too. We shared memories throughout the trip, cried together and laughed together. Those hours in the car could have been exhausting, but instead they provided us with a postive way to grieve. It was nice to be around other people who were going through what I was. Ah, the stories we told...
• Keep the stress down by keeping expenses down
A last-minute trip and the accompanying stress was kept down a little because I didn’t also have to worry that I was breaking the bank to go. I rack up hotel points every time I use my credit card. This was the perfect time to take advantage of my free nights. It also made the trip planning a little easier. Instead of wondering where we would stop at night, I knew that our choices were limited to the places along the way that had Best Westerns.
• Don’t count on your phone and its apps for everything.
I was really glad that I’d printed out maps before I left home of the places that were important for us to get to, and the addresses of the Best Westerns along the way. I couldn’t believe how often my phone didn’t have service — or if it did, how slow it was. It wasn’t just in the mountains that the connection was spotty, but also in the prairie of Nebraska and farm fields of Iowa. That said, my navigation was invaluable (as long as we had a map for back-up).
• Leave the kids at home.
I really struggled over whether to bring my two and a half year old daughter with or not. I had never been away from her for that long. My worry scale was on high alert given the fact that someone I knew had just died suddenly and tragically. My husband and I both agreed that taking her on the long drive wasn’t smart. My friends and I were sure to be extra careful, but we were worried enough about ourselves driving that far. I also decided that it would be a bit insensitive to bring around my healthy two-year-old when the folks I would be visiting were worried about their two-year-old granddaughter who had been hospitalized since the accident. So, she stayed home. It was tough to be away from her that long, but it would have been a lot different trip with her there. I would have spent more time “mommying” than grieving.
• Establish a tradition.
For us, it was finding a Caribou so Cass could get her hot cocoa and Amy and I could have our coffee. It was our feel-good place. We discovered there isn’t a Caribou at every exit outside of Minnesota, so we relied on Google to get us there (here is where my Samsung Epic came in handy!). There are just two Caribous in Des Moines and three in the Denver area. There are some things worth driving around for.
• Make it a pilgrimage.
This trip was our chance to say goodbye to someone who was dear to us. We set out to do some specific things: Attend his visitation and memorial service. Visit his sister and daughter in their respective hospitals. Help out his parents if we could. Because we didn’t overschedule ourselves, we also had time to visit the site of the automobile crash, the place where he died. It was a peaceful place. The only sign of what had occurred there a week earlier was paint on the pavement, a few broken pieces of a headlight, and trampled down grass. We wished for what could have happened there, how her car could have gone off the road on the other side instead of striking his. We left comforted because he didn’t see what was coming and hopefully had no time to fear it. It seemed like his spirit was there with us, in the few raindrops that fell out of the sunny sky. From that place, we headed out to meet his daughter, his living legacy. Despite her injuries, we could see her daddy in her and we knew that his gentle spirit would be represented in her.
Then we headed out of town, feeling like we’d done what we came for.
- Gabe and his daughter, his living legacy. She was an important little person for us to meet.
No comments:
Post a Comment