You never ‘get over it’

Pain and sorrow are things we don’t often let ourselves feel, and in our fast-food culture we think we should be over it by the time our loved one is in the ground. But the one thing the suicide of my friend’s husband taught me is that grief doesn’t end in a month or even two. It takes years. And even then, we’re never the same. I think that holds true whether its our grandpa who died, a good friend, a baby or a spouse — and I strongly believe that divorce is a type of death, as well.

When I wrote a story about grief for the STAR newspaper several years ago, I interviewed a number of people, including two grief counselors and a man whose stepdaughter had been murdered. I return to what they have to say whenever I think about grief and death. The past month, it’s been on my mind a lot.

THERE IS NO FORMULA FOR GRIEF

What’s the best way to handle grief? Isn't that the question we all have? But there's no answer because everyone grieves differently. Everyone takes their own time. Everyone grieves in their own way. It isn’t wise to compare yourself to another, but there are some common things we can all do that help.

Here are a few tips to getting through tough times:

1) Accept life is different.

2) Acknowledge how you feel.

3) Talk about it.

4) Reinvest in life.

TRAUMA CHANGES US

“Any traumatic event changes us. You can’t be the same after losing someone very close to you,” said Fairview Lakes Regional Hospital – Wyoming Social Worker and Bereavement Coordinator Gretchen Kirvida.

It’s important for those grieving to recognize they will never ‘get over’ a death. “You don’t get over the loss of a loved one, but you do get through it,” states Kirvida. “It’s not something you can say, I’m over this. You’re a changed person. You become normal again, but you’re a new normal.” Friends may say, “You’re not yourself yet.” “No, you’re not. You’re a new self,” Kirvida stressed.

“I think we need to acknowledge the power of grief. It has tremendous power to affect us physically and emotionally,” Kirvida said. “At least acknowledge that it is hard and it affects us.”

The first month or so after a loved one dies is a time of shock. In a culture where people get three days off after a death, you may need to go back to work before the reality of death has sunk in. “We live in a drive-thru grief society,” commented Kirvida. “We e-mail instantly. Fly around the world in a day. But grief takes as long as it takes. We can’t fast forward grief.” Kirvida insisted that just as there is no set timeframe for grief, there is no ‘right’ way to do it. While there are five commonly recognized stages of grief (denial/isolation, anger, bargaining, depression and, finally, acceptance) everyone handles things in their own way. “There aren’t any rules on how to grieve. People think there should be a recipe,” Kirvada said. Cambridge Medical Center Social Worker and Bereavement Coordinator Barb Larson agreed. “Almost any grief reaction is normal,” she said.

IT IS OKAY TO TALK ABOUT THE PERSON WHO DIED

“Don’t act like it didn’t happen, because it did,” Kirvida urges. Well-meaning friends who don’t mention the name of the person who died are making it harder on those grieving. Be the first to comment that you miss the person who died. “It’s really okay to talk about people who have died. Often people talk about everything else under the sun instead,” observed Larson. “People who are grieving need to laugh and cry and share their stories. They just need to be asked.”

“Justice for Marlys: A Family’s Twenty-Year Search for a Killer” is a book John Munday about his family’s struggle after Marlys was murdered at her Stillwater home.

“It’s important to focus on good memories. In time you will find acceptance of loss,” said John Munday, whose wrote “Justice for Marlys: A Family’s Twenty-Year Search for a Killer” about his family’s struggle after Marlys was murdered.

Munday dismisses those who offer pat answers, such as “God needed your husband more than you did,” or “God never gives you more than you can handle.” The question then is, “If I were weaker would my child still be around?” The best thing for friends to say is simply, “I’m sorry for your loss,” advised Munday.

Some people try to deal with the loss by pretending it didn’t happen. They drink or take pills to numb the pain. After years of talking with people who are grieving and who are coming out of the valley, Kirvida said, “You need to feel the pain if you’re going to get through it. Grief is very patient. It will wait for you. If you decide to drink, someday it will still be there for.” Kirvida met a man who joined her support group after losing his second wife. A few weeks after attending the meetings, he acknowledged, “I thought I was coming her for my second wife’s death, but it just hit me. I never grieved my first wife. I tried to rush it. But I never grieved.”

Kirvada urged people to do the work – and it is work. Confront the grief head-on. Yes, it will be exhausting, but you will come through it, she promised.

REMEMBER TO CARE FOR YOURSELF WHILE GRIEVING

• Eat good meals.

• Get exercise.

• Share concerns with people you trust.

•Try not to stay isolated.

• If problems persist, consider seeing a therapist or check out a grief group.

~ Barb Larson

WAYS FAMILY/FRIENDS CAN HELP:

• Listen. “It’s really okay to talk about people who have died. People grieving need to laugh and cry and share stories. They just need to be asked,” says Barb Larson.

• Listen some more. “Repeating stories is a normal process of grieving,” states Larson. “People need to work through each piece of the story until they resolve it.”

• Ask how they are even when you don’t want to bring up the subject. “People use a lot of energy trying to keep it quiet,” Kirvida notes. “The big thing is not being afraid to talk about it or afraid of emotions,” Larson adds.

• Offer specific help. Don’t just say, “Call me if you need anything,” Kirvida encourages. Offer to take them to church. Tell them you’ll be there Wednesday to take them grocery shopping.

• Mark it on the calender. Larson recommends marking time to call on the calendar so that you don’t forget.

• Give help instead of flowers. Consider giving a subscription to the Bereavement Magazine (www.bereavementmag.com or 1-888-6404-4673) instead of flowers like Larson does.

• Don’t one-up. Everyone’s grief is the biggest thing to them. Acknowledge that and let them grieve, Kirvida says.

• Don’t have unrealistic expectations, particularly at the holidays. Give them permission to change traditions or not get as much done when they’re grieving.

• Recognize the signs of depression. If they’re still laying in bed all day or losing weight months later, talk to them about seeing a counselor or being treated for depression. Encourage them to attend a bereavement support group.